They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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