its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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