Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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