So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
