I wish my penis had an off switch
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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