were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
