Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
