So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
