census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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