Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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