So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
