We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
