thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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