a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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