He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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