hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
