Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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