at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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