This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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