Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
