EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Let's get the cat blown out
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
