I faked an abortion last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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