My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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