I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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