"it" just moved
I'm jealous of your bromance
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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