he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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