I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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