my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
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A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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