My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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