I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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