The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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