the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
