Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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