Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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