I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
