Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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