How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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