she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Randomize
