Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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