please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
