plz talk dirty to me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Who died my cat blue again?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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