no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
