My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
