If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
FUCK WHALES
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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