I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
