i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
