Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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