OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
