Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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