Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
