can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
