i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
