so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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