speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
