I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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