My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
