It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
