Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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